Thursday, September 16, 2010

How Would We Ever Survive Without Each Other???

Hello Everyone,

I don’t know about you, but I know Al and I have had a few sweet and funny emails and comments come through this week, all which we have read and appreciated!! We truly appreciate your concern about everyone’s well being as you pass along all of the amazing information about how to keep our lives healthy, safe, and well rounded; however, it’s only the middle of September and I find myself wanting to share with you our thoughts on all of your educational e-mails and submissions over the past year!

We are totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

We no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in our ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

We can't use the remote in a hotel room because we don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

We can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because we can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

We have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

We MUST ALSO SEND OUR SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat sh*t in the glue on envelopes because we now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now we have to scrub the top of every can we open for the same reason.

We no longer have any savings because we gave it to a sick girl (PennyBrown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. We no longer have any money, but that will change once we receive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are each sending us for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

We can't have a drink in a bar because we'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with our kidneys gone.

No more chocolate bars - too many insect parts.

We can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

We can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though we smell like water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to or share a post with seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains, so I can only imagine what it does to my digestive system.

We no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in the back seat when we’re filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

We no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face..Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And we no longer answer the phone because someone will ask us to dial a number for which we will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, Nigeria, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU we can't use anyone's toilet but ours because a big blacksnake could be lurking under the seat and cause instant death when it bites our butts…

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Toonie (what is a toonie?) dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over…

We no longer drive our car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

Now remember… If you don't share this with at least 144,000 people in the next 72.5 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read documents on their computers with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Have a wonderful day, and a safe weekend (if you’re aware of all of these hazards of course!)

Love and appreciation to all,

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was informed that water from the toilet sprays over 9 feet with every flush.

PPS - The really sad thing is, some of these are based in reality, and I'm never sure anymore which of them are!


averilpam said...

lol, funniest thing I've read in ages!

Candles by Nature said...

haha those are so funny. I always just delete those types of e-mails right away or else I'd be living in fear of EVERYTHING!

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