Friday, April 23, 2010

Well, Poop...

I was watching an episode of "House" a couple of weeks ago in which Laura Prepon (you may remember her as Donna on That 70s Show ) played a patient of Dr. House and his team. For those of you who watch House regularly, he almost always has this moment of epiphany when some quirky little symptom makes him realize exactly what's wrong with the patient. In this particular episode, Laura played a blogger with a myriad of symptoms that lead them to believe that she was dying. The team scoured her blog for clues to her lifestyle that might lead them to an answer, either something she had mentioned in her blog or something that she had purposefully NOT blogged about - and House finally realized ( light bulb goes off behind those gorgeous blue eyes) that it was... poop! Now how on earth he picked that out of the million and one things most people don't blog about, only his writers will know, but I got to thinking about it and realized I've never blogged about poop either. So I'm going to change that today - just so any future doctors I have won't be able to go down that road.

Wait, don't leave now! Seriously, what is it about poop that makes even the mention of the word make people blush and giggle or snicker, or look away or feel uncomfortable? After all, we all poop - although I do know a few people who are so full of "poop" that even their eyes are turning brown, so I have to wonder if they really do. Have you noticed how many politicians have brown eyes? And your boss?

New moms out there, admit it, put two moms with young babies in a room together and within minutes they're talking about poop - is it firm, is it still yellow and seedy, how many times does your baby poop, do they poop often enough, too often? I've been on Cafe Mom - I know its true!

Dr. House was correct of course in wondering about his patients poop. Believe it or not there are things about poop that you should be concerned about - and other weird things that you would think you should be concerned about, but really shouldn't.

  • Sinkers - Healthy and full of fiber.
  • Floaters - Not so much... watch the fat in your diet!
  • Brown color - Yay!!!!
  • Green color - You've either got a digestive system that's really quick to process your meals or you've been eating or drinking food with green dye components (this includes purple and blue Kool-aid or Jello!).
  • Grey or light brown poop - If this happens consistently, it can be a sign of liver problems. Pretty common after a night of drinking as drinking stresses the liver.
  • Black poop - Get thee to a doctor if this is more than a very occasional occurrence (or you're a chocolate addict) - can be a sign of intestinal bleeding.

Society has developed some strange beliefs and habits when it comes to poop... especially when it comes to the need to poop. Do any of these sound familiar?

  • The Courtesy Flush - Just as that first poop hits the water, the poopee flushes the toilet... reducing the amount of air time available to stink up the restroom.
  • The Safe Haven - You find a completely unoccupied restroom in an out of the way hallway or empty floor in your building where you can poop and not have to worry about being found out.
  • Walk of Shame - You have to get back to your desk at work, table at the restaurant, etc., but there are still people in the restroom. Unfortunately, you've just pooped and/or passed gas AND pooped, and they know you're the guilty one. This situation can be avoided thru the use of the Courtesy Flush or the Safe Haven.
  • VOIP - (No, not Voice-over-IP) You've hit that point where you're ready to poop, but there are other people in the stalls on either side, so of course you start coughing or fake sneezing - creating Volume Over Imminent Pooping. You continue coughing or sneezing until you're done or someone asks if you need a paramedic.
  • The Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers Warning - (great for small to medium restrooms with just a few stalls) If you're occupying a stall on the far end of the wall and someone walks in and enters another stall and you hear the warning fart that they may be pooping soon, you quickly start to tap your toe to make them aware of your presence so that they are warned that they're not alone.

And what about all of those different kinds of poop...

  • The ghost poop - You'd swear you'd pooped but there's nothing on the toilet paper and when you stand up, there's nothing in the toilet either. Someone call Ghostbusters, quick!
  • Wraparound - When your poop is so long that it has to wrap itself around the toilet bowl in order to fit.
  • Second Wave- This happens when you're done pooping and you've started to pull your pants up, and you realize that you have to poop some more.
  • Stolen Poop - This happens when sitting on an automatic toilet. You haven’t finished yet, but for some reason the toilet flushes and steals away your turd.
  • Aborted Poop - When something happens while pooping and it prevents the poopee from finishing the task at hand. (That darn fire alarm!!!!)
  • Corn Poop - I think that one is self explanatory
  • The Power Poop - The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
  • The Klingon Poop - You can't poop anymore, but there's that piece that just won't drop off.
The list goes on, and we've all been there. I have to give credit to those crafty people on Etsy for their fun and unique takes on the subject of poop. Here's the list of shops that offer the great items shown in this post - thank you to them and to all of my readers for reading of this crappy post!

IPood Baby Bodysuit - WeROnesieful
Bombs Away - Vinyl Decals - offensivedecals
GHOST POOPIE humorous greeting card - goodgosh
Don't Scare Me...I Poop Easily Sign - CountryWorkshop


Gallery32 said...

You are too funny! I had know idea anybody knew that much about poop :) Thanks for posting.

Triple Willow said...

OMG I had to laugh! I'm an avid House watcher too... Remember he also got the poor guy in trouble with his health nut girlfriend because of his floating poo?

Loved this blog today... poo's important!

Stephanie said...

haha.. oh poop. Too funny

goodgosh said...

Some think I'm obsessed with poop. Nice to know I'm not alone. LOL Thanks for putting my Ghost poopie on there. :)

Fiberpuppy said...


But as they say... Everyone poops

lindaspud said...

Love the bathroom humor. Your blog is professional And fantastic.

Baroness Bijoutery said...

Well you just brightened up an otherwise crummy day...I am forwarding this to my daughter..she will roar...Thanks for sharing all the great info...

storybeader said...

OK, I was in total hysterics by the time I finished your post! Love the different types of poop - so informative! {:-D

Erin said...

Good Times! Thanks for posting. It brings back memories of the Fart Personality test from my high school days!

Victoria said...

HAHAHA I want to have a kid just to use that iPoop outfit. Brilliant! This post made me laugh - I always do the Safe Haven trick... my bowels are super shy!

memoriesforlifescrapbooks said...

Simply hillarious! I guess I've never blogged about poop either...but I hope I never have to...LOL!

TiLT said...

my eyes are watering, you got me laughing so hard!!! that's great :)

Related Posts with Thumbnails